Couples Council

 

A couple years ago when my son was a little over a year old, we would frequently have the missionaries over for dinner. The missionaries always brought such a strong spirit of peace and happiness into our home. They weren’t afraid to share insights they had brought upon by the Holy Ghost. On one such occasion we were sitting around the dinner table and one of the missionaries asked us if we did companionship inventory. I had heard that missionaries did that but wasn’t sure exactly how that would relate to our marriage specifically. They went on to explain how we could use this tool to strengthen our marriage or keep us strong as we learned to council together weekly. I loved the idea, probably more than my husband did, and we did it for a few weeks following. We didn’t keep at it though. I think we were missing a few key steps or ideas that needed to be incorporated to make it effective in our marriage.

I learned what some of those keys things might be as I read Chapter 2 of Counseling With Your Councils by M Russell Ballard. In this chapter Ballard is speaking of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints uses councils to make decisions within the Church and to communicate effectively. I learned that this same method can be very effective within a marriage. I don’t think that in my own marriage the couple council needs to be quite so formal but I do think some of the elements are very important.

Begin With Prayer

I believe beginning with a prayer to invite the spirit will help tremendously with driving away contentions and coming together as a couple to help solve problems or communicate more effectively.

Listen Without Interrupting

In the same chapter I mentioned above Elder Rulon G. Craven says this concerning the councils of the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles,

“I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the Council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during conversations.”

This is something I definitely need to learn from. I know that if I implement this into my couples council a will see a big difference in the effectiveness and outcome.

           

Focus on the Common Goal

The last key part of making couples council effective is focusing on the common goal. There needs to be a common goal in marriage. What is best for our marriage instead of what I want to happen or what my husband thinks is best. Elder Rulon G. Craven also said concerning the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles, “During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.” As we try to work our differences or talk about a plan of action to help the marriage/family if we think about what would be best for the marriage/family and what would achieve the goals it will make it easier to come together on decisions.

            I hope that as I try to do these things I can start seeing something like what President Gordon B. Hinckely described. He said, “But I have never observed serious discord or personal enmity among my Brethren. I have, rather, observed a beautiful and remarkable thing—the coming together, under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit and under the power of revelation, of divergent views until there is total harmony and full agreement. Only then is implementation made.”

Marital Intimacy

There are two things I took away from this week that I want to share. First is fidelity. I really enjoyed reading about how to safe guard my marriage. When tough times come, and they always will at one point or another, it is easy to start thinking “I wish my husband were more like so and so” or at least I know I have caught myself thinking that even though I don’t like to admit it. Kenneth W. Matheson said in an article called Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think,

“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” ¹

I love the end, “with all your devotion.” To love with everything you have you have to be continually working at your marriage. The way I see it is marriage is an uphill climb to the celestial kingdom. If you are not going up you are sliding down. We have to be diligent and constantly feeding our marriage with all our love and commitment. To emphasize this point I want to share a quote from H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into our Marriage. He said,

“As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.”

            The second thing I really thought a lot about this week was how sexual intimacy can strengthen our marriage and help “water” the grass on our side of the fence. My feelings about sexual intimacy have changed dramatically over the short 8 years I have been married. LDS psychologist Victor Cline sums up my current feelings very well. He said,
 “In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)
There needs to be balance in all things. God created such a beautiful way to bring children into the world and a sacred and perfect way to show our spouse love in an unselfish and vulnerable way that deepens our love in a way nothing else can. It is beautiful and sacred and helps keep marriage farther away from infidelity when appropriately shared in a marriage with respect, compassion and tenderness.
            I know that if we show charity and Godly love in our marriage all other things will be easier including marital intimacy. If we go into it wanting to get something out of it just for ourselves then we will always be disappointed. We need to go into it wanting to share what we have with our spouse in a celebration for life and a deepening of our love for each other. I believe this will bring happiness in marital intimacy.

Charity

A few weeks ago I interviewed my parents for a family relations class I am taking. Some of the things I asked them were about how they handled their differences and worked out conflict during the first few years of marriage. Their response was always about communication. They just talked a lot! They didn’t have too many differences because they have very similar personalities and think a lot along the same lines. This makes communicating very similar. They have a pretty fantastic marriage and rarely do they ever argue. I tried to pry more and see if anything was different when they were first married and how they dealt with tedious faults that each other got frustrated with. They said those tedious things haven’t gone away. My mom still does things that my dad gets irritated with, and vice versa. This hasn’t changed the happiness in their marriage though. The key is that they haven’t tried to change each other and they just focus on what they love about each other. The way they handle conflict or irritations is truly with charity. Through this I have come to realize that marriage is not about fixing each other’s faults to become happy.
 I have learned this even more this week as I have been reading Chapter 7 in H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Goddard said, “most of us would prefer that our partners think about the 80% of us they like rather than dabble with the 20% they don’t like…John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like. He as discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change! We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change! What a wise design! Rather that re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!”
I feel like this describes my parents exactly and really reassures me that I can have a happy marriage for eternity. It won’t be easy….but with charity it is possible. This helps me a lot as I have been trying to change myself and not my husband but the thoughts and urges to criticize him and nag him, for good reasons, keep coming. A quote from Goddard that really helped me push those feelings aside is this one, “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible.” I need charity to really have that kind of love and I need to want to have charity with all of my heart to really receive that gift of charity from God.
A start to doing this is stated well from Goddard’s book. He quoted Wendy Watson. She said, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other…. An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.” As I start focusing on the wonderful things and actively showing it that to my husband the more good I will see. This is where I will start because it all is pretty overwhelming as I think about the change that I need to do within myself. I will start here and pray daily for charity, to be able to see others, especially my husband, as God does.

Forgiving is Giving

I remember my mother-in-law saying recently that she wondered why it is that people tend to treat those they love the most worse than those people who are “strangers” or acquaintances. What a good question. I see it all the time. John M. Gottman said in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, “To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful……” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings even if things don’t go so well.” How is it that we forget to treat those we love the most with the most respect?
            We get caught up with their faults as we see them day to day to day. It isn’t about changing our spouse’s flaws that will make our marriage better and so we start treating them better. John M. Gottman said, “Until you accept your partner’s flaws and foibles, you will not be able to comprise successfully……. Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it’s about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.”
            This is not easy to do but I have learned that it is much easier with forgiviness. If I am holding onto grudges that I might feel are justified I can’t let go of his faults or what I perceive as his faults. I must first forgive and let go then, we can proceed to negotiate common ground to make each other happy.
            When we forgive we must also take another action upon us. We must give. Give our whole self to our marriage. This will help us let go of grudges and irritations because we will be focused on giving in our marriage instead of focusing on what we are getting. H. Wallace Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into our Marriage, “But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.”
            When we focus on what we can bring to our marriage happiness will surely come in larger amounts then when we focus on what our partner is doing for us. Selfishness will not bring lasting happiness.
            One more quote on this subject that really helped me understand this even more is by H. Wallace Goddard. He said, “Those who relentlessly demand something better-more attentive partners and better family life- will be disappointed. Those who give up everything—their time, talents, and expectations in service of their families—are the ones who get everything—Eternal Life and Glory.” When we remember the eternal perspective and why we are here on earth it is much easier to “give up everything” in return for something even better.

The Natural Man Mindset

Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000178 EndHTML:0000006312 StartFragment:0000002436 EndFragment:0000006276 SourceURL:file://localhost/Users/Jeff/Documents/Blog%20post%20Pride.doc

I have been getting a little, ok maybe a lot, frustrated over the past couple weeks as I read the required reading. I feel like all these things my husband needs to read too. How are we going to make our marriage better if I am the only one changing and working on bettering our marriage? This isn’t fair! I don’t want to have to do all the work! He needs to be fixing the things he is doing wrong too otherwise all my hard work will be for nothing.

Oh boy. I was digging myself a deep hole of negativity and pride. I read the chapter from John M. Gottman’s book first, Ch. 6 Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You. The whole time all I could think about was how my husband needs to let me influence him more. He is so stubborn and always thinks he is right and if I try to tell him my opinion he just gets defensive. After I read that chapter I read Goddard’s chapter “Humility and Repentance”. That was definitely needed after what I have been thinking over the past few weeks. At the end of the chapter Gottman says, “If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind.” While I was already seeing my flaws in my past weeks thinking before the end of the chapter this really helped me change my perspective. While I should share some of the things I have read and learned from these books so that we can come together to strengthen our marriage it shouldn’t be my sole focus to share these things with the purpose that he needs to change and I know what is best for our marriage so he needs to do X, Y and Z.

I was thinking with the natural man’s mindset. H. Wallace Goddard said, “When I follow the natural man’s method for marital change, I set out to tell my partner in fair, balanced ways what she is doing that irritates me. Then she can change herself based on my input, and we will both be happy.” Goddard later says that it is ok and we should tell our spouse our preferences, this shouldn’t be the focus.

How do we overcome this then? We need to change our own hearts. I need to change my thoughts, my actions and my heart. I need to show mercy. Goddard quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith,

 “The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing [spouses]; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs… if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses].”

How do we obtain this mercy? I believe we can learn to show mercy by ridding ourselves of our natural human narrow mindedness as Goddard put it. He said we rid ourselves of this by “getting heaven’s perspective and being open to our partner’s point of view.” In order to gain heaven’s perspective we need to call upon the Lord daily, and at every hour we feel the tendency to show our spouse that we are right or they need to change or complain about something we don’t like about them. The Lord will give us the strength and inspiration of how to change our actions and thoughts. He will show us mercy and we can then show that same mercy to our spouse. Calling upon the Lord to repent of our short sightedness and asking for the strength to see our spouse’s point of view and soften our hearts is the only sure way to bring about a happy marriage. WE have the choice to change our hearts and turn to the Lord, which will turn us to our spouse. Goddard said, “Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.” Let us choose love by showing Godly love to our spouse.

Irritation

H. Wallace Goddard said, “any time we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting. Since, in most cases, we are perfectly designed for each other, staying engaged with each other is vital. But it isn't a matter of stubborn resolve. It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.”

This is so hard! At the beginning of marriage there may seem to be no irritations or be like this quote I found on someecards.com, “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” Slowly this turns into wanting to spend less and less time with your significant other that irritates you if you forget to nurture your marriage. The irritations won't just go away and as the first quote says it isn't just about resolving to live with the irritations and not do anything about it. We can't change others but we can change our own behavior. When we replace these irritated feelings into service and love and humility we will have a much happier marriage.

This is not easy, but I believe with DAILY effort it can happen. First comes changing our behavior by repenting. Goddard said, “He has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood. Rather than run from repentance, He wants us to embrace it. Every time we are inclined to drop out of a life commitment, God is inviting us to solve the unpleasant chafing by becoming more like Him.” When we choose repentance and forgiveness we are choosing God. We are choosing to us this gift of marriage to become more like him.

The other daily things we need to be doing to nurture our marriage and stray from focusing on irritations is making the mundane things of life meaningful and use them for opportunities to connect with your spouse. John M. Gottman said, “Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day.” Part of doing this is being aware of your spouse's emotional needs. Communicate some of the things that you wish your spouse did or did more frequently to strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you. Some of the examples Gottman gave were, grocery shopping together, eating breakfast together, take kids on outings, attend sporting events, pay bills, go to a party, take your child to lessons. It is these smalls gestures and things we can do for each other or do together that build our “emotional bank accounts” as Gottman calls it.

Something else that I find is important that Gottman mentions that I often neglect when life gets a little crazy or busy is reconnecting at the end of the day. Often I am so tired from handling my three year old's tantrums that I can't wait to crawl in bed and fall asleep. When this starts to happen regularly my husband and I start to distance a little with out realizing it at first. I have found that this stress reducing conversation at the end of the day helps us both feel validated in our feelings and also brings us closer. Something that is key in this conversation is timing. If this happens right when one spouse walks through the door or is really too tired then it can lead to more stress and negative feelings.

Lastly, one quote that really hit home for me was from John M. Gottman. He said,

“Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There's a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area—some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum—as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don't, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop.”

This really helped me in my perspective in marriage and how to nurture it. Sometimes I feel this need of autonomy and I feel badly about it like I am not being a good enough spouse. Now that I know this is normal I can communicate this to my husband better. Communicating it effectively will help in creating less hurt feelings and my marriage can still grow ever stronger.

A Change of Heart

In order to nurture our marriage we must first have a change of heart. This is what I have really come to learn this week. This is not easy to do if your heart has become harden within your marriage over years and years but I believe it can be done.

Our perspective on marriage needs to change first. Adam and Eve were a great example of this. Now when I am feeling down and negative about my marriage I only need to think about Adam and Eve, if I think I have it bad, Adam and Eve had it pretty rough. Leaving beautiful and perfect Garden of Eden to go into a “lone and deaery world.” I have been pretty lonely the past 7 months, having moved to a new place from a beautiful place with lots of friends. I still have more than Adam and Eve though. This fall into the world from the Garden of Eden was not a tragedy. “It was a brave step toward eternal accomplishment.” (Gottman Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage). If we start thinking of our marriage in this way it will help us soften our heart.

Next we need to bring humility into our hearts. With humility comes sacrifice, I believe. In order to sacrifice we need to be humble and turn our heart and will over to the Lord. When we do this we can look at our spouse in a new light. The world doesn't look at marriage this way however. Gottman said, “Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we're not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.” He continues... “The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth—goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities.”

After we learn and understand and apply these things to our marriage we can start nurturing the love in our marriage. We can sacrifice to learn and understand our spouse more fully which will strengthen the foundation of friendship in the marriage.

My favorite quote I read this week was in Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. He said, The cure for cancerous expectations is humble submission—a broken heart and a contrite spirit.” He goes onto to explain what “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” really means. “I feel sure that Jesus is not asking that we be depressed and miserable. I think He is asking that we surrender our demands that things be done our way. In place of being demanding we become agreeable, submissive, cooperative, and appreciative. This is the natural result of allowing Jesus to transfor the natural man to the man of Christ.”

What beautiful words that are so clear and make perfect sense. This really helps me understand how to have a change of heart in order to nurture my marriage and strengthen the roots of my marriage.