I have been getting a little, ok maybe a lot, frustrated
over the past couple weeks as I read the required reading. I feel like all
these things my husband needs to read too. How are we going to make our
marriage better if I am the only one changing and working on bettering our
marriage? This isn’t fair! I don’t want to have to do all the work! He needs to
be fixing the things he is doing wrong too otherwise all my hard work will be
for nothing.
Oh boy. I was digging myself a deep hole of negativity and
pride. I read the chapter from John M. Gottman’s book first, Ch. 6 Principle 4:
Let Your Partner Influence You. The whole time all I could think about was how
my husband needs to let me influence him more. He is so stubborn and always
thinks he is right and if I try to tell him my opinion he just gets defensive.
After I read that chapter I read Goddard’s chapter “Humility and Repentance”.
That was definitely needed after what I have been thinking over the past few
weeks. At the end of the chapter Gottman says, “If, as you read this chapter,
you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to
re-read the chapter with yourself in mind.” While I was already seeing my flaws
in my past weeks thinking before the end of the chapter this really helped me
change my perspective. While I should share some of the things I have read and
learned from these books so that we can come together to strengthen our
marriage it shouldn’t be my sole focus to share these things with the purpose
that he needs to change and I know what is best for our marriage so he needs to
do X, Y and Z.
I was thinking with the natural man’s mindset. H. Wallace
Goddard said, “When I follow the natural man’s method for marital change, I set
out to tell my partner in fair, balanced ways what she is doing that irritates
me. Then she can change herself based on my input, and we will both be happy.”
Goddard later says that it is ok and we should tell our spouse our preferences,
this shouldn’t be the focus.
How do we overcome this then? We need to change our own
hearts. I need to change my thoughts, my actions and my heart. I need to show mercy. Goddard quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith,
“The nearer we
get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on
perishing [spouses]; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and
cast their sins behind our backs… if you would have God have mercy on you, have
mercy on [your spouses].”
How do we obtain this mercy? I believe we can learn to show
mercy by ridding ourselves of our natural human narrow mindedness as Goddard
put it. He said we rid ourselves of this by “getting heaven’s perspective and
being open to our partner’s point of view.” In order to gain heaven’s
perspective we need to call upon the Lord daily, and at every hour we feel the
tendency to show our spouse that we are right or they need to change or
complain about something we don’t like about them. The Lord will give us the
strength and inspiration of how to change our actions and thoughts. He will
show us mercy and we can then show that same mercy to our spouse. Calling upon
the Lord to repent of our short sightedness and asking for the strength to see
our spouse’s point of view and soften our hearts is the only sure way to bring
about a happy marriage. WE have the choice to change our hearts and turn to the
Lord, which will turn us to our spouse. Goddard said, “Love is not a happy
accident; It is a choice.” Let us choose love by showing Godly love to our
spouse.
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