Charity

A few weeks ago I interviewed my parents for a family relations class I am taking. Some of the things I asked them were about how they handled their differences and worked out conflict during the first few years of marriage. Their response was always about communication. They just talked a lot! They didn’t have too many differences because they have very similar personalities and think a lot along the same lines. This makes communicating very similar. They have a pretty fantastic marriage and rarely do they ever argue. I tried to pry more and see if anything was different when they were first married and how they dealt with tedious faults that each other got frustrated with. They said those tedious things haven’t gone away. My mom still does things that my dad gets irritated with, and vice versa. This hasn’t changed the happiness in their marriage though. The key is that they haven’t tried to change each other and they just focus on what they love about each other. The way they handle conflict or irritations is truly with charity. Through this I have come to realize that marriage is not about fixing each other’s faults to become happy.
 I have learned this even more this week as I have been reading Chapter 7 in H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Goddard said, “most of us would prefer that our partners think about the 80% of us they like rather than dabble with the 20% they don’t like…John Gottman has made interesting discoveries about that 20% that we don’t like. He as discovered that approximately 70% of what we don’t like will never change! We can be mad about that. We can feel cheated. But heaven seems to have constructed that percentage and it is not likely to change! What a wise design! Rather that re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!”
I feel like this describes my parents exactly and really reassures me that I can have a happy marriage for eternity. It won’t be easy….but with charity it is possible. This helps me a lot as I have been trying to change myself and not my husband but the thoughts and urges to criticize him and nag him, for good reasons, keep coming. A quote from Goddard that really helped me push those feelings aside is this one, “When we love our partners the way they are, we don’t care if they change! That is the very thing that liberates them to change. Acceptance is the key to change in those areas where it is possible.” I need charity to really have that kind of love and I need to want to have charity with all of my heart to really receive that gift of charity from God.
A start to doing this is stated well from Goddard’s book. He quoted Wendy Watson. She said, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other…. An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.” As I start focusing on the wonderful things and actively showing it that to my husband the more good I will see. This is where I will start because it all is pretty overwhelming as I think about the change that I need to do within myself. I will start here and pray daily for charity, to be able to see others, especially my husband, as God does.

Forgiving is Giving

I remember my mother-in-law saying recently that she wondered why it is that people tend to treat those they love the most worse than those people who are “strangers” or acquaintances. What a good question. I see it all the time. John M. Gottman said in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, “To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful……” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings even if things don’t go so well.” How is it that we forget to treat those we love the most with the most respect?
            We get caught up with their faults as we see them day to day to day. It isn’t about changing our spouse’s flaws that will make our marriage better and so we start treating them better. John M. Gottman said, “Until you accept your partner’s flaws and foibles, you will not be able to comprise successfully……. Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it’s about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.”
            This is not easy to do but I have learned that it is much easier with forgiviness. If I am holding onto grudges that I might feel are justified I can’t let go of his faults or what I perceive as his faults. I must first forgive and let go then, we can proceed to negotiate common ground to make each other happy.
            When we forgive we must also take another action upon us. We must give. Give our whole self to our marriage. This will help us let go of grudges and irritations because we will be focused on giving in our marriage instead of focusing on what we are getting. H. Wallace Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into our Marriage, “But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.”
            When we focus on what we can bring to our marriage happiness will surely come in larger amounts then when we focus on what our partner is doing for us. Selfishness will not bring lasting happiness.
            One more quote on this subject that really helped me understand this even more is by H. Wallace Goddard. He said, “Those who relentlessly demand something better-more attentive partners and better family life- will be disappointed. Those who give up everything—their time, talents, and expectations in service of their families—are the ones who get everything—Eternal Life and Glory.” When we remember the eternal perspective and why we are here on earth it is much easier to “give up everything” in return for something even better.

The Natural Man Mindset

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I have been getting a little, ok maybe a lot, frustrated over the past couple weeks as I read the required reading. I feel like all these things my husband needs to read too. How are we going to make our marriage better if I am the only one changing and working on bettering our marriage? This isn’t fair! I don’t want to have to do all the work! He needs to be fixing the things he is doing wrong too otherwise all my hard work will be for nothing.

Oh boy. I was digging myself a deep hole of negativity and pride. I read the chapter from John M. Gottman’s book first, Ch. 6 Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You. The whole time all I could think about was how my husband needs to let me influence him more. He is so stubborn and always thinks he is right and if I try to tell him my opinion he just gets defensive. After I read that chapter I read Goddard’s chapter “Humility and Repentance”. That was definitely needed after what I have been thinking over the past few weeks. At the end of the chapter Gottman says, “If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind.” While I was already seeing my flaws in my past weeks thinking before the end of the chapter this really helped me change my perspective. While I should share some of the things I have read and learned from these books so that we can come together to strengthen our marriage it shouldn’t be my sole focus to share these things with the purpose that he needs to change and I know what is best for our marriage so he needs to do X, Y and Z.

I was thinking with the natural man’s mindset. H. Wallace Goddard said, “When I follow the natural man’s method for marital change, I set out to tell my partner in fair, balanced ways what she is doing that irritates me. Then she can change herself based on my input, and we will both be happy.” Goddard later says that it is ok and we should tell our spouse our preferences, this shouldn’t be the focus.

How do we overcome this then? We need to change our own hearts. I need to change my thoughts, my actions and my heart. I need to show mercy. Goddard quoted the Prophet Joseph Smith,

 “The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing [spouses]; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs… if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses].”

How do we obtain this mercy? I believe we can learn to show mercy by ridding ourselves of our natural human narrow mindedness as Goddard put it. He said we rid ourselves of this by “getting heaven’s perspective and being open to our partner’s point of view.” In order to gain heaven’s perspective we need to call upon the Lord daily, and at every hour we feel the tendency to show our spouse that we are right or they need to change or complain about something we don’t like about them. The Lord will give us the strength and inspiration of how to change our actions and thoughts. He will show us mercy and we can then show that same mercy to our spouse. Calling upon the Lord to repent of our short sightedness and asking for the strength to see our spouse’s point of view and soften our hearts is the only sure way to bring about a happy marriage. WE have the choice to change our hearts and turn to the Lord, which will turn us to our spouse. Goddard said, “Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.” Let us choose love by showing Godly love to our spouse.

Irritation

H. Wallace Goddard said, “any time we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting. Since, in most cases, we are perfectly designed for each other, staying engaged with each other is vital. But it isn't a matter of stubborn resolve. It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.”

This is so hard! At the beginning of marriage there may seem to be no irritations or be like this quote I found on someecards.com, “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” Slowly this turns into wanting to spend less and less time with your significant other that irritates you if you forget to nurture your marriage. The irritations won't just go away and as the first quote says it isn't just about resolving to live with the irritations and not do anything about it. We can't change others but we can change our own behavior. When we replace these irritated feelings into service and love and humility we will have a much happier marriage.

This is not easy, but I believe with DAILY effort it can happen. First comes changing our behavior by repenting. Goddard said, “He has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood. Rather than run from repentance, He wants us to embrace it. Every time we are inclined to drop out of a life commitment, God is inviting us to solve the unpleasant chafing by becoming more like Him.” When we choose repentance and forgiveness we are choosing God. We are choosing to us this gift of marriage to become more like him.

The other daily things we need to be doing to nurture our marriage and stray from focusing on irritations is making the mundane things of life meaningful and use them for opportunities to connect with your spouse. John M. Gottman said, “Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day.” Part of doing this is being aware of your spouse's emotional needs. Communicate some of the things that you wish your spouse did or did more frequently to strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you. Some of the examples Gottman gave were, grocery shopping together, eating breakfast together, take kids on outings, attend sporting events, pay bills, go to a party, take your child to lessons. It is these smalls gestures and things we can do for each other or do together that build our “emotional bank accounts” as Gottman calls it.

Something else that I find is important that Gottman mentions that I often neglect when life gets a little crazy or busy is reconnecting at the end of the day. Often I am so tired from handling my three year old's tantrums that I can't wait to crawl in bed and fall asleep. When this starts to happen regularly my husband and I start to distance a little with out realizing it at first. I have found that this stress reducing conversation at the end of the day helps us both feel validated in our feelings and also brings us closer. Something that is key in this conversation is timing. If this happens right when one spouse walks through the door or is really too tired then it can lead to more stress and negative feelings.

Lastly, one quote that really hit home for me was from John M. Gottman. He said,

“Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There's a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area—some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum—as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don't, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop.”

This really helped me in my perspective in marriage and how to nurture it. Sometimes I feel this need of autonomy and I feel badly about it like I am not being a good enough spouse. Now that I know this is normal I can communicate this to my husband better. Communicating it effectively will help in creating less hurt feelings and my marriage can still grow ever stronger.