Forgiving is Giving

I remember my mother-in-law saying recently that she wondered why it is that people tend to treat those they love the most worse than those people who are “strangers” or acquaintances. What a good question. I see it all the time. John M. Gottman said in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, “To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful……” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings even if things don’t go so well.” How is it that we forget to treat those we love the most with the most respect?
            We get caught up with their faults as we see them day to day to day. It isn’t about changing our spouse’s flaws that will make our marriage better and so we start treating them better. John M. Gottman said, “Until you accept your partner’s flaws and foibles, you will not be able to comprise successfully……. Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it’s about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.”
            This is not easy to do but I have learned that it is much easier with forgiviness. If I am holding onto grudges that I might feel are justified I can’t let go of his faults or what I perceive as his faults. I must first forgive and let go then, we can proceed to negotiate common ground to make each other happy.
            When we forgive we must also take another action upon us. We must give. Give our whole self to our marriage. This will help us let go of grudges and irritations because we will be focused on giving in our marriage instead of focusing on what we are getting. H. Wallace Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into our Marriage, “But those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time.”
            When we focus on what we can bring to our marriage happiness will surely come in larger amounts then when we focus on what our partner is doing for us. Selfishness will not bring lasting happiness.
            One more quote on this subject that really helped me understand this even more is by H. Wallace Goddard. He said, “Those who relentlessly demand something better-more attentive partners and better family life- will be disappointed. Those who give up everything—their time, talents, and expectations in service of their families—are the ones who get everything—Eternal Life and Glory.” When we remember the eternal perspective and why we are here on earth it is much easier to “give up everything” in return for something even better.