Irritation

H. Wallace Goddard said, “any time we feel irritated with each other it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to better thinking and acting. Since, in most cases, we are perfectly designed for each other, staying engaged with each other is vital. But it isn't a matter of stubborn resolve. It is a matter of replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing accusation with humility; replacing frustration with invitation.”

This is so hard! At the beginning of marriage there may seem to be no irritations or be like this quote I found on someecards.com, “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” Slowly this turns into wanting to spend less and less time with your significant other that irritates you if you forget to nurture your marriage. The irritations won't just go away and as the first quote says it isn't just about resolving to live with the irritations and not do anything about it. We can't change others but we can change our own behavior. When we replace these irritated feelings into service and love and humility we will have a much happier marriage.

This is not easy, but I believe with DAILY effort it can happen. First comes changing our behavior by repenting. Goddard said, “He has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood. Rather than run from repentance, He wants us to embrace it. Every time we are inclined to drop out of a life commitment, God is inviting us to solve the unpleasant chafing by becoming more like Him.” When we choose repentance and forgiveness we are choosing God. We are choosing to us this gift of marriage to become more like him.

The other daily things we need to be doing to nurture our marriage and stray from focusing on irritations is making the mundane things of life meaningful and use them for opportunities to connect with your spouse. John M. Gottman said, “Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day.” Part of doing this is being aware of your spouse's emotional needs. Communicate some of the things that you wish your spouse did or did more frequently to strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you. Some of the examples Gottman gave were, grocery shopping together, eating breakfast together, take kids on outings, attend sporting events, pay bills, go to a party, take your child to lessons. It is these smalls gestures and things we can do for each other or do together that build our “emotional bank accounts” as Gottman calls it.

Something else that I find is important that Gottman mentions that I often neglect when life gets a little crazy or busy is reconnecting at the end of the day. Often I am so tired from handling my three year old's tantrums that I can't wait to crawl in bed and fall asleep. When this starts to happen regularly my husband and I start to distance a little with out realizing it at first. I have found that this stress reducing conversation at the end of the day helps us both feel validated in our feelings and also brings us closer. Something that is key in this conversation is timing. If this happens right when one spouse walks through the door or is really too tired then it can lead to more stress and negative feelings.

Lastly, one quote that really hit home for me was from John M. Gottman. He said,

“Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There's a wide spectrum of “normal” needs in this area—some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum—as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don't, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop.”

This really helped me in my perspective in marriage and how to nurture it. Sometimes I feel this need of autonomy and I feel badly about it like I am not being a good enough spouse. Now that I know this is normal I can communicate this to my husband better. Communicating it effectively will help in creating less hurt feelings and my marriage can still grow ever stronger.