Couples Council

 

A couple years ago when my son was a little over a year old, we would frequently have the missionaries over for dinner. The missionaries always brought such a strong spirit of peace and happiness into our home. They weren’t afraid to share insights they had brought upon by the Holy Ghost. On one such occasion we were sitting around the dinner table and one of the missionaries asked us if we did companionship inventory. I had heard that missionaries did that but wasn’t sure exactly how that would relate to our marriage specifically. They went on to explain how we could use this tool to strengthen our marriage or keep us strong as we learned to council together weekly. I loved the idea, probably more than my husband did, and we did it for a few weeks following. We didn’t keep at it though. I think we were missing a few key steps or ideas that needed to be incorporated to make it effective in our marriage.

I learned what some of those keys things might be as I read Chapter 2 of Counseling With Your Councils by M Russell Ballard. In this chapter Ballard is speaking of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints uses councils to make decisions within the Church and to communicate effectively. I learned that this same method can be very effective within a marriage. I don’t think that in my own marriage the couple council needs to be quite so formal but I do think some of the elements are very important.

Begin With Prayer

I believe beginning with a prayer to invite the spirit will help tremendously with driving away contentions and coming together as a couple to help solve problems or communicate more effectively.

Listen Without Interrupting

In the same chapter I mentioned above Elder Rulon G. Craven says this concerning the councils of the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles,

“I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the Council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during conversations.”

This is something I definitely need to learn from. I know that if I implement this into my couples council a will see a big difference in the effectiveness and outcome.

           

Focus on the Common Goal

The last key part of making couples council effective is focusing on the common goal. There needs to be a common goal in marriage. What is best for our marriage instead of what I want to happen or what my husband thinks is best. Elder Rulon G. Craven also said concerning the Quorom of the Twelve Apostles, “During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.” As we try to work our differences or talk about a plan of action to help the marriage/family if we think about what would be best for the marriage/family and what would achieve the goals it will make it easier to come together on decisions.

            I hope that as I try to do these things I can start seeing something like what President Gordon B. Hinckely described. He said, “But I have never observed serious discord or personal enmity among my Brethren. I have, rather, observed a beautiful and remarkable thing—the coming together, under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit and under the power of revelation, of divergent views until there is total harmony and full agreement. Only then is implementation made.”

Marital Intimacy

There are two things I took away from this week that I want to share. First is fidelity. I really enjoyed reading about how to safe guard my marriage. When tough times come, and they always will at one point or another, it is easy to start thinking “I wish my husband were more like so and so” or at least I know I have caught myself thinking that even though I don’t like to admit it. Kenneth W. Matheson said in an article called Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think,

“Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity. President Ezra Taft Benson (1899–1994) said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” ¹

I love the end, “with all your devotion.” To love with everything you have you have to be continually working at your marriage. The way I see it is marriage is an uphill climb to the celestial kingdom. If you are not going up you are sliding down. We have to be diligent and constantly feeding our marriage with all our love and commitment. To emphasize this point I want to share a quote from H. Wallace Goddard’s book Drawing Heaven into our Marriage. He said,

“As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.”

            The second thing I really thought a lot about this week was how sexual intimacy can strengthen our marriage and help “water” the grass on our side of the fence. My feelings about sexual intimacy have changed dramatically over the short 8 years I have been married. LDS psychologist Victor Cline sums up my current feelings very well. He said,
 “In summary, sex should be a celebration. It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation. And this plan permits the husband and wife to jointly participate in creating new life and, in a sense, perpetuate part of themselves into eternity through their children. The sexual embrace should never be a chore or a duty, but a loving part of a larger relationship. Of giving to our partner, cherishing, respecting, protecting each other. It won't always be easy. But the rewards can be incredibly great if we choose to make them so.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, p. 39)
There needs to be balance in all things. God created such a beautiful way to bring children into the world and a sacred and perfect way to show our spouse love in an unselfish and vulnerable way that deepens our love in a way nothing else can. It is beautiful and sacred and helps keep marriage farther away from infidelity when appropriately shared in a marriage with respect, compassion and tenderness.
            I know that if we show charity and Godly love in our marriage all other things will be easier including marital intimacy. If we go into it wanting to get something out of it just for ourselves then we will always be disappointed. We need to go into it wanting to share what we have with our spouse in a celebration for life and a deepening of our love for each other. I believe this will bring happiness in marital intimacy.